Meet the Parents

I have been dating Xiujuan for almost two and a half years, but I have never met her parents and she's never told them she has a boyfriend. This is because her parents would be horrified by the fact that she is dating an American. Xiujuan's mother dislikes foreigners so much that she turns off the TV when she sees one on the screen.

Xiujuan had broken off contact with her parents for over a month because whenever she calls she gets into big arguments with them. Her parents always want her to date a rich Chinese man that they choose, whereas Xiujuan wants to choose a guy because of love. In order to escape the incessant arguments Xiujuan changed her phone number so her parents couldn't reach her. Her parents have thought all along that she was off teaching in Beijing, when really she's been in Hangzhou with me, just two hours from her parents' residence in Huzhou.

Somehow about a week ago, Xiujuan's parents got a hold of her number. However, whenever they called Xiujuan she would recognize the ID of the incoming call and never answer. But yesterday Xiujuan was in the bathroom when her mobile phone rang and I picked it up thinking it might be important business. The man on the line seemed confused to hear my voice, so I asked if he would like to speak to Mrs. Mo Xiujuan and he said yes, please let me speak to Mo Xiujuan.

As it turned out, the phone call was from Xiujuan's father. Xiujuan told him the truth that she had a boyfriend and was living in Hangzhou. She said she would bring her boyfriend to visit the next day. Xiujuan's father seemed very relieved, probably mistaking me for a Chinese man because of my flawless Mandarin pronunciation. He told Xiujuan he would get started immediately on cooking food for our visit. Considering that we wouldn't be arriving for another 16 hours, this seemed to indicate that they planned to give us a very warm welcome.

The next morning we woke up early to prepare for the trip. Because Xiujuan's parents are so traditional we had to follow the local customs and purchase many expensive presents for the family. It is only acceptable according to local custom to give an even number of presents, so we bought six items, not five or seven. Also, we tried to purchase things with large packaging, because her parents judge the value of a gift mostly on size alone. Furthermore, we tried to purchase items in red packaging if possible, and avoided any white. The least expensive gift we purchased was two bottles of red wine in a large red box, but Xiujuan insisted her parents' would like this gift the most because of the large size and red color. Besides the wine we also purchased a blood pressure test machine for Xiujuan's mother, toys for Xiujuan's niece, cosmetics for Xiujuan's mother, a fruit basket, and baby clothes for a newborn daughter of Xiujuan's cousin.

Xiujuan wouldn't have bothered to make me bring gifts, but she knew her parents well enough to know that not bringing gifts would be hazardous. Once she brought her classmate at Beijing Normal University to visit her family and her classmate didn't bring anything. Her parents greatly disliked that girl. On another occasion she brought another girl to visit her parents, and this girl brought gifts. Her parents liked the second girl very much.

Before leaving for Huzhou Xiujuan made me change into my best suit. Her parents mostly judge people's worth by the clothes they wear, and wearing informal clothing the first time I met them would result in them thinking I was a bum or a criminal or something worse.

Furthermore, Xiujuan instructed me that I must do as much as possible to help out, such as clearing dishes, etc. Otherwise they might think I was lazy.

We got to Huzhou after a two hour bus ride. Xiujuan told me to expect the worse: Her family might decide to desert the house for the day in order to not have to see her boyfriend at all, or they might chase me off with a broom, then try to lock Xiujuan inside to keep her from returning with me to Hangzhou. Thus I was quite nervous when we knocked on the door.

As it turned out, Xiujuan's parents were much more welcoming than we expected, although they did have fairly sour looks on their faces for the first few minutes after finding out that Xiujuan's boyfriend was a foreigner after all. Xiujuan's mother started to get cups of tea for us, but I insisted on preparing them myself, which seemed to make an instant impression, making her less sour. I also tried to keep calling them "Aunt" and "Uncle", as Xiujuan had instructed me, and demonstrated to them how to use the blood pressure machine. By this time Xiujuan's mother seemed to be a bit happier, although her father still seemed a bit grumpy.

During lunch I complemented her father on the cooking and tried to act like I enjoyed everything served. Xiujuan had said before that if her mother helped me put food in my bowl that that was a good sign. Her mother did in fact put food in my bowl several times, which really surprised Xiujuan.

Xiujuan's father still seemed a bit sour and left the table quite early in the meal, apparently not too happy about having to sit down to dine with a foreigner. However, he brightened up a lot after I helped clear the table and offered to do the dishes. He even insisted that we stay for dinner.

I spent the afternoon playing with Xiujuan's little niece. That she liked me was a blessing, because her mother says she sometimes is afraid of strangers. Xiujuan expected that she would fear me, having never seen a foreigner before, but she seemed to like me OK, maybe because I brought her so many fun toys.

So everything went better than I expected, but Xiujuan thinks signs are still not great. When we departed her parents didn't say I should come again and didn't say I should come for Chinese New Year, which is only a little over a week away. According to her this is very unwelcoming behavior, and indicates that they were just being nice to me for her sake, because they were glad to see her again after over a month of not being able to reach her or knowing where she was. If not for Xiujuan's avoiding them for so long, they probably wouldn't have been willing to tolerate me at all. Xiujuan plans to go back by herself for New Years, and only invite me to join her if it seems safe.